The last Letter.. By Rachan C Hegde

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The Last letter

And it was time,

For the day I feared the most,

All I had with me was a year of his memories and the departing letter in my hand.

I was standing there in a white and pink gown, dressed beautifully for the most painful day of my life.

The love of my life, the guy I imagined to have a daughter with, the prince of my fairytale was right in front of me.

Everything that I ever wanted, that could keep me happy was in front of me and I was letting it go.

The night was calm as usual, the moon still looked pretty.

And amidst the addictive silence, my heart broke into pieces without a noise.

No one noticed it, neither the sky nor the stars nor the guy who I thought was my world.

The letter I read it to him, had each word pricking me as they left my lips.

I knew when I would leave, I would be nothing but empty,

But looking deep into his eyes, walking through the path we just travelled ,I started  

Dear,

One year before there were two people getting to know each other

Electricity, Excitement, liking

And a year later, again there are two people,

Two very different people,

One tired, worn out on the verge of giving up,

One frustrated person chasing his dreams.

What started as a fling for you, became a serious one man once in a lifetime love for me.

I liked you a lot.

A lot more than I could imagine.

Even before I realized, I was so much into you that I kept ignoring the screams of my self-respect and caution.

I didn’t decide to fall for you, It happened.

In a lifetime of broken promises, you are the only thing that  felt right.

But like a fling, the connection faded for you.

The spark was gone for you.

There were no feelings.

You wanted a break and there was a stupid me dreaming about our future.

By the time you had reached the end of the book,

I was writing the most important part of my life.

Not knowing it would be engraved in sand.

Which would eventually be washed away.

I kept initiating conversations

Kept making plans,

I kept praying for you

All I kept doing was thinking about you.

Your happiness,

Your success,

I placed you over me

But I didn’t realize I was letting you walk over me.

Not that you asked for it,

But common sense was lost.

Eyes were blind.

And the space in the heart, hollow, longed for love.

Every time my heart gave a warning to leave,

I kept asking it for a little more

Just a little more time with him.

A little more time.

Few more months

Few more weeks.

At this point of time, I just have 1 question.

Was it so difficult for you send me one text saying “Good Morning”

Or Are you doing fine?

Or just how is life.

Would it be difficult for you to text me once and ask “Shall we meet up”?

I stood naked in front of you, with my soul exposed and you pretended as If I didn’t exist at all.

You kept telling “You don’t stand by your words, you do this all the time”

What appeared as indecisiveness and immaturity to you were the chances my love wanted to give you.

I was stuck between “I have come too far to give up”, to “I can’t take this anymore”

But still I stayed.

Deep down I knew you wouldn’t change, but all I was doing was building a graveyard to my self-respect and dignity”

At some point of time in life,

We need to choose.

This time the choice was between me and you!!!

And I chose myself!!!

I am not leaving you because you didn’t love me back,

I am leaving because I have no reason to stay.

Not even one.

I swear to god, not once in my lifetime have I shown

This kind of patience,

This kind of care,

This kind of pure love and endurance to anyone.

But now I am tired, exhausted and hurt.

I can still stay, plan surprises for you.

Bring millions of smiles on your face.

And make you the most special person on this earth.

But I don’t want to.

Because I am not angry or mad at you.

I am just disappointed and finally giving up on you.

This is not one of those times when I will come back,

Because I know this is the end.

Because I can see the beginning.

All the best for a lifetime of happiness.

Somewhere in life, in this small world, we shall meet again.

But It shall never be the same.

Because we would have been separated too much by time.

Promise me,

That’s all I want.

Just a promise that you will never forget me.

That you will miss the little things we had,

Those smiles, those memories,

Promise me that I taught you something,

Losing you was hard enough,

But I don’t want to go on knowing I meant absolutely nothing to you.

Yours Chan Chan

When the letter finished, I had tears in my eyes. Not wanting to go, I left him, his memories and the most painful yet beautiful phase of my life behind.

Though the pain was intense, I felt calm, like the subtle breeze after a violent storm.

I had to choose between myself and him,

And this time, I chose myself.

With the loud screams of despair and hopelessness left behind,

With a faint voice of my confidence

I walked towards life.

 

By Rachan C Hegde

 

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