The reflection – by Varushka Chettiar
When I saw myself trapped inside mirror!
It was a huge mirror placed in big hall room, walls white washed but none of the four walls had a door. I was trapped in it. It was me standing alone in front of the mirror glaring at myself, I just noticed another me standing right besides me looking into the same mirror. She was the same young fun loving and mischievous girl. She looked 10 years younger. And I saw the same innocent smile and those attractive eyes. She looked graceful.
Her smile was contagious. She wore it as her most precious ornament and people loved it, it was blissful. She was many of her colleague’s favorite not for any odd reasons but only for a simple fact that she was naturally cute. She made friends very easily and that was not because people wanted to please her but because she genuinely was a very clean soul. Her actions reflected the warmth, she carried an aura of positivity along with her, her character reflected her humbleness. She was fragile, cautioning anyone twice before breaking her or cheating her.
Her special friends always adored her smile, and would often tease her for the fan following she had. It didn’t take me more than a minute to turn around and look at myself to check the way I smiled now. I saw an untruthful broad smile. I smiled again but the result was no different, this time I again saw dishonesty and few wrinkles and couple of grey hair and glasses I was getting old. That’s not all.
There was much more in that smile, I now smiled to hide my sadness, depression and pain unlike before when I smiled with grace and joy. I now smiled more often because I was hurt more often. I didn’t have a choice but to hide my fear behind my smile. I was afraid to come out in open. I had mastered the art of changing my tearful face into an ugly smile. This is what I did to myself. I medicated myself to control my emotions; my body didn’t support like it did before and age was the reason for that.
By now I had started using my smile as a shield from the outside world; I did not want anyone to read through my inner world of sadness, where I locked my loneliness, despair, low self-esteem. I was sure that the society would not treat me any different and would follow the protocol to undress my pain in the market. I did not want that to happen I did not want to give anyone a chance to mock the decision I had taken.
I cried because I was alone in the room. I ran quickly to the basin and washed my face, came back stood again in front of the huge mirror and smiled, I smiled again and this time I used my hands to spread my lips to make my smile look same as hers standing next to me. she laughed looking at me. I felt miserable I couldn’t smile just as me as I did 10 years back. I just didn’t want to give up trying to get back my smile I struggled but how could I.
She said “Don’t kill yourself”
I cheated myself so many years and I cried again. I woke up next morning and saw the mirror at my dressing table “cracked”
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